Full of Fear

In life, I am pretty good at pulling up my big girl panties and getting over myself. 

Drug dealer from New York banging on my door at three am? *deep breath* *rack shotgun behind door*
No Problem.

Seventy feet above the raging water of the Potomac River Gorge? Let's do this...

But man. Writing fills me with fear. Everything scares me about it-- from the basic fear that I'm a talentless masquerader. That the person who told me I write "white trash with uninteresting prose" is right. All the way to the idea that I simply cannot write the book/idea/story I want to write. I've had dreams recently where whole people groups are haunting me because I've not written what I intended to write. I dreamed my husband's family were angry with me. Last night I dreamed my beta reader emailed me this whole thing about how terrible and horrible and juvenile the book was.

Full of fear.

In real life, you ask me to step out of the crowd and I'm like "Hate to break it to you, but I'm already there...". Counter-culture? Pfft...I don't even know the word. I was just born on a different rhythm as the world I live in (mostly because I was born a poor person and right now I'm living in a very rich world).

But ask me to send out a query that is a step away from the mainstream agent query and I'm like "hmm, let me think about it for six months."

Never mind. I just realized there is another area of life I am always full of fear--- parenting. I woke up from my nightmare to spend fifteen minutes thinking about what the hell I was doing with my kids.

I know the solutions to both--

stay on my knees.
never give up.

fail.